Every action has its reasons, but some need time to be understood… Last night I was standing in the garden gazing at the dark endlessness above me. The Sirius was as bright as ever. I was waiting for the boys to finish their night time routine, but my mind wandered off thinking of the boy I lost…

Suddenly I realised why I started this blog and why it helped me so much. I could have written a journal, yet I chose to trust my thoughts to the world wide web. Somehow sending these posts into the vast nothingness felt like I could, time and time again, send a message to my baby, his soul… resting and waiting for me somewhere on the other side of the Universe.

I miss him. So much. Every day of my life. The sunny days. The dark days. And every one of those days I think of how wonderful it would be just to have Oscar here with me, with us. And how much he would love the house, the fields and the boys. And how happy I would be just to have him near… even for a moment.

We had every chance, all the time and so much left of the future to live happily ever after. If only…